“Listen, my child, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck” (Proverbs 1:8).
An ancient Hebrew proverb says, “Raising children is like peeling an onion. You end up with tears in your eyes, and nothing in your hands.” Well, maybe not always. But the spiritual truth in the sad prediction is that it’s more often the case when we make the mistake of idolizing our children. How often do we find the opposite extreme from parents who do nothing for their children, and who are so caught up in their own lives that they try to assuage their consciences with the pretense of sharing “quality time” with the kids.
The other extreme are those parents so devoted to their children that they live out their own lives in the development of their sons and daughters. They are obsessed with their grades, their activities, and their future. When as it inevitably will happen the children turn out to be disappointments, the parents are crushed. They never recover. They cannot deal with the fact that they have imposed too heavy a burden on the child. The son or daughter struggles to explain that they are not deities, and they resent being worshipped. When the parent says: “Look at all I have sacrificed for you. Why are you so ungrateful?” they fail to understand there is some element in truth to the rebuttal: “Who asked you to sacrifice?” Sacrifices are intended for God.
Is it wrong therefore to make one’s child a priority of family values? Not at all. One must however put priorities in perspective. Take a lesson from nature. All animals sacrifice in order that the species will increase. Yet they recognize when the offspring have developed sufficiently to take charge of themselves; and if they linger in accepting maturity, the parents push them into adulthood.
It seems to me that raising a child is like riding a horse. Two extremes are to be avoided. Should the rider keep too tight a grip on the reins, he will only frustrate the animal and cut into the soft mouth with the steel bit. On the other hand, if he gives the horse too much slack, he is not in charge and will then frustrate the beast all the more by withholding directives. Applied to the parent-child relationship, one should offer direct signals as to what is proper and improper behavior. The child wants to know right from wrong. He is intent on pleasing the person he loves. How to make the parent happy is a worthy goal. In a short time the child will expand his little world and search for parameters. You see a toddler squiggling from a mother’s hand and bobble along the sidewalk, then suddenly stop, pause and turn around to mark the distance she has traveled. She’ll run back, and then do it over and over. When a parent gives some signal, it’s important that she means what she says. Parents are being tested throughout the years when their children are living in the family home. Do you as a parent mean what you say, or are your words nothing more? Are there rewards and punishments connected with your rules?
As for children who insist on being treated with dignity and given responsibility: Those are attributes to be earned. They do not come with aging. When you violate the covenant with your parents, you have abrogated the right to be treated as an honest person worthy of respect. A sensible parent has no recourse but to treat you as a little child who cannot be trusted. You are an extension of the family. The most precious gift you can offer to your parents is to grow from the family tree into a human flower that expresses what is most beautiful, kind and noble as a gift to society and to God.