How to Plan for Your Funeral, a Personal Story

By Matushka Elizabeth Vinogradov

Twenty-nine years ago, my father passed away from a relatively short battle with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease). On the day of his funeral, my mother first voiced a complaint about a persistent backache, which led to a diagnosis of bone cancer two weeks before she died, only two years after my father’s passing.

My mother was a superbly organized woman, efficient manager and proactive genius. She was definitely the “decider” type, so much of the planning she put into her own funeral can be attributed to her personality. She also never shied away from talking about death and other realities of life, so that helped her and us.

A few months after my father’s passing, my mother brought up the topic of “the briefcase” with the three of us - my sisters and me. None of us at the time were interested in dealing with it. I live in New York, while both sisters live in Montreal and spent far more time with my mother than I did. Each time I visited, she would bring up “the briefcase”, and apparently would bring that up regularly with my sisters - we all put it off. Shortly before her death, my youngest sister did go through “the briefcase” with her, but said nothing to the rest of us.

I arrived in Montreal a day before my mother passed away. Her large room held a gathering of family members, and a friend brought rounds of croissant ham and cheese sandwiches. We prayed, held vigil, ate, sang and watched her go quietly and peacefully. When we got back to her apartment, we located “the briefcase” and opened it.

On top of many file folders, all color coded and numbered, was a laminated sheet of instructions with matching color coding.

Day 1

1. If you are reading this, I am dead. Call the bishop and let him know. He should let you know ASAP when he can hold the funeral.
2. Call the funeral home (Folder 1) and let them know. All is paid for, but you might need to finalize the casket choice in case the one I chose is no longer in stock.
3. Call these relatives (short list) and let them know to spread the word.
4. In Folder 2, you will find three envelopes, one for each of you with two-thousand-dollar bond certificates - cash them immediately = you will need them for expenses in the next few days.
5. You’ve had enough for one day, so go to our favorite restaurant (she provided the name) and have a fabulous dinner. If you feel like it, order the appetizers and desserts your father and I loved and enjoy them thoroughly in our memory.

Day 2

1. Call (name of relative) and let him know when the funeral is - by now the bishop should have told you. This relative offered to host the memorial meal and knows the menu - in fact, he is footing the bill, but if he’s forgotten that detail, use the bond money.
2. Go to the funeral home and finalize the casket choice. Also ask for copies of the death certificate - you will need many of those.
3. In Folder 3 are all the bank forms you will need to deal with notifying the bank about my death. I’ve filled out most of it - you just need to fill in dates. Go to the bank and start that process - don’t forget to take a copy of the death certificate.
4. In Folder 4 are all the insurance papers you will need - call the woman listed on the business card. She knows what to do, but might need you to go to her office with a death certificate - you can also drop it off next week.
5. There will probably be a Panikhida today, but it’s not necessary - all depends on the bishop.
6. OK, you’ve definitely had enough for today. Now go to (name of restaurant) and have a fantastic meal! Again, that’s what the bond money is for.

Day 3

1. It’s not likely that the funeral is today, so use the day to finish anything from prior days. There were also several more notes about folders with legal or government papers that usually need to be filed - and the last instruction for that day was the name of yet another restaurant where she wanted us to eat.

Day 4 was dedicated to the funeral and memorial meal. My sisters and I didn’t have to deal with any details related to the meal - she had planned everything with our cousin who put on a feast. It was a truly joyous celebration.

The day after the funeral had one important instruction. She asked us each to buy a bottle of our favorite wine, open all three bottles and each drink half the bottle - none of us were such drinkers, but we did our best. She then asked that we take all of her jewelry and silver, dump it on the coffee table, and begin dividing it up. At that point we were in great spirits and had no trouble sorting it all out amicably. It was the one thing she didn’t want to determine herself, but found a way to help us celebrate around doing something that for many is often fraught with sentimental attachment or doesn’t play to our better selves.

The days went all the way to Day 8, each filled with some tasks - and folders - full of her dry humor and great heart, and each ending with yet another restaurant. We all smile and laugh at the memory of “the briefcase” and the truly wonderful days we spent together with family, friends and especially as sisters. No matter what age you are when your parents die, you feel orphaned. Losing both in the space of two years made it especially so for us, but her planning and her voice in those instructions that were so infused with her spirit, generosity, love and great good humor eased that greatly. Mostly, we were freed from so much of the bureaucratic stress that usually needs immediate attention upon the death of a loved one, and were able to give ourselves completely to those days where time really is suspended as we sing away our loved one.